If Buddhists are right about that whole reincarnation thing, it’d be hard to imagine what you’d have to do wrong to die and come back as a sea cucumber. One minute you’re human and the next you’re crawling around the seafloor as what is essentially a mobile intestine, hoovering up food at one end and expelling it through the other.
And then, inevitably, the pearlfish would find you.
You’re breathing through your anus, by the way, and when you take a breath, the pearlfish strikes — squirming up your butt, making itself comfortable in your respiratory organ, and eating your gonads. Or, they’ll go up in pairs and have sex in your body cavity. And that’s when you realize that you must have been a really awful human being in a past life. Like, the type of person who talks on their phone in a movie theater kind of awful.…MORE